I have a lot of guilt about the way I’ve ended past relationships.
I have a tendency to break things off somewhat unexpectedly and for (what many would see as) trivial reasons.
Any little thing that I don’t love about the person I’m with can be what leads me to end things. I’ve come to realize that this is due to a lot of things, but is partially because I have this delusory Hollywood-created expectation of love — that everything should be completely perfect and without challenges.
This behavior also stems from both my impulsivity (always ready to move on to the next chapter + new thing) as well as my past insecurities that have taught me to leave before I am left– a classic, tragic defence mechanism.
However, my guilt is slightly lessened as I see those who I have dated going on to have beautiful — and frankly better– lives without me. In a way, I feel as though I would have prevented the happiness they now have in their lives had I not ended things (had they chosen to stay with me too, of course).
I’ve seen their elaborate weddings that I surely couldn’t afford, read their Instagram captions about finding their soulmate, and seen the children they’ve had who wouldn’t even exist in the alternative story. I am almost certain that I couldn’t have given any of my exes a better life than the ones they now lead and, while this is selfishly kind of a depressing thought for me, it makes me really happy for them that they’re finding more happiness without me.
While I don’t believe our lives are predestined, I do think some things happen for a reason or at least we can make meaning out of and learn from them. As I see it, it just wasn’t meant to be for me and any of those I’ve already dated. Yet I believe there is someone out there who I’ll feel that soulmate connection with one day.